Growth and never ending wonder…

It’s been an experience, being out here. Really getting started on what I know I’m made to do. I’ve changed, in big ways, and surprisingly, the changes have come softly, and with a quiet sublte persistance. I’ve wanted, for a long time, to have the focus and drive I needed to really propel myself. And I hoped for it, and made resolutions on new years and Rosh Hashanna, and new semesters and as I purchased my textbooks. And I never backed myself with anything more than good intentions, and I always fell short, and continued milling in my endless supply of distractions.

I can make endless excuses. Back home there was always someone leaning over my shoulders, pressing on the top edge of the blades and bending me with questions and pressure. I let them bend me to the point where I couldn’t function. And I let stress make me lazy and I put things aside for “a time when I could breathe again”. I allowed opprotunity to pass half appeased. In the end, though, it comes down to me, and I let myself down again and again.

Coming out here I wrote “I know I must exceed my highest expectations”. Those expectations were what I’d been hoping to become for years. And I had minimal faith that I’d finally break through into that person I knew I could be. And I’m not there yet, but I am working steadily.

These days I work at My pace, and it works for me. I divide my time as I see fit and stress and pressure no longer more than the bare necessity role needed for deadlines. These days I pay mind to distraction, but not in excess. I’ve reached the point where I read research papers and journals over and over because I can question them, and weave them into what I plan to answer. I see spectrograms in the cirrus clouds and hear whales in birdsongs and rainfall and wonder how else to interpret them.

I’ve been told more than once that I’m chasing “the holy grail” in regard to what I want to research. And that only makes me want it more. And this time, I’m more than hoping; I’m proving to myself that I can achieve it.

And ironically enough (though 2 days late)… Happy Rosh Hashanna. L’Shanna Tova.


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